Monday, February 9, 2015

Here we goat again

Working with traditional tools, CLSA presents its feng shui guide for 2015

THE GOAT

Good fortune: Mid-November to mid-December

Most holy satyr! Goats by nature are fond of nature and this is a good year for them to hide in the woods. It’s also the year for paying attention – so do re-read that email you’re about to send to your boss. All things artistic and profound are in your stars, so park outside art galleries and you shouldn’t get a ticket. Creative activities are predicted for young Water Goats, but those interested in technology may receive a call about their hacking.

Health: Stick to a balanced diet – just the right amount of greens should see you through. Whatever exercise is applicable, say walking to the chocolate aisle for the munchies rather than asking the maid to do so, will see you in good health. Make sure you pay your premiums in March, April, July and next January.

Wealth: Your habit of spending money as soon as you get it makes you popular. Metal Goats will profit through persistence – gifts and bonuses are yours for the taking, and remember to give 10% to the triads before they ask for more. Water Goats are likely to sponsor charities while Fire Goats may consider a hetian jade amulet to protect their gains.

Love: “What was he doing, the great god Pan, down in the reeds by the river?” As it is your year, you’re bound to feel horny – March, June, September and December are the months to butt in. Romantic Earth Goats are likely to go in for home improvements (think George Clooney in Burn after Reading).

Career: Staff changes will lead to opportunities; the stars think that you have insider knowledge. April, July, August and November are promising, as is New Year, 2016. But Tai Sui is going to be with you, so your work needs to be quiet – we recommend titanium-oxide panels. Wood Goats will enjoy attending exhibitions – ensure it is not you!

THE MONKEY

Good fortune: Mid-April to mid-May

Despite the fact that you’re a born Monkey, impulsive behaviour will not be rewarded this year – leave those longevity peaches on the table and you might just live a little longer. Travel is on the cards for all monkeys this year – new zoos all round! Wood Monkeys may travel close to home and appreciate a familiar place in a new way (perhaps catch public transport to work or school).

Health: There might be a small monkey wrench in the health works this year, particularly in your earth-related organs. No, that’s not the soles of your feet. It refers to your digestive system, but it’s nothing to go ape about. Spring and summer you’ll need to be careful over food hygiene – make sure those peanuts haven’t passed through a civet cat.

Wealth: No need to ape anyone else, this is your year to peel all the bananas you want. The caveat here is that not all such fruit are equally nutritious; and if you wake in an unknown hotel room in Macau, get the first cab straight to the ferry, go home and spend wisely there. Fire Monkeys might have unanticipated expenses at home.

Love: Note you have the auspicious red phoenix with you this year and that Water Monkeys may find uncommon ways of getting to love – so do it legally and leave that phoenix alone. Late spring and winter are the seasons to meet other hairy anthropoids. Earth Monkeys will profit by joining an interest group – a brick-appreciation society or the like.

Career: Better than last year, but still some simian virus at work. Oddly enough you’ll want to seek out Snakes and Dragons to work with. Be on your guard and no one will make a monkey out of you – demand all the peanuts you’re worth! Metal Monkeys, this is a good year to be headhunted, so you might see your brains appearing on a different table.

THE ROOSTER

Good fortune: Mid-May to mid-June

You are the constructive rooster, not confined to your perch; and nothing need ruffle those fine feathers. The spontaneous Goat is visiting the meticulous Rooster, some discomfort is possible and you may need to walk on eggshells, but it can still be a good year. Wood Roosters who enjoy writing may look to publish; keep in mind that haphazard blackmail notes are not a recognised literary genre.

Health: No time to be chicken-hearted or you might be better off with a chicken heart. Heart and lungs – say it over and over, that’s what you’ll need to watch. Elders at home and yourself outside – try to keep it sunnyside up! Earth Roosters will be aware that this is a good year to take up some outdoor or fitness activity.

Wealth: Not your best year for investments in grains as you might only get chicken feed back, but henny type of hard work should pay off when those chickens come home to roost. This is a good year for Fire Roosters to practice financial housekeeping – if you’ve been delaying keeping two sets of books, that small paper investment might begin to pay off.

Love: Stop that cackling and you might find yourself at quite a few hens’ nights. Even if you’re no spring chicken, this could be a good year for preening, strutting and shaking that tail feather. Never forget, you are the Water Rooster and this year is a good one to invite someone over to see that nest you’ve feathered.

Career: This is not the year to live dangerously. That Snake slithering toward you is there to help. Bad stars and obstacles are present but can be mere feathers off a hen’s back if you set your mind to it. Some call the Metal Rooster a rank opportunist, but they’re merely slower at spotting that vacancy – best if you’re not the direct cause.

THE DOG

Good fortune: Mid-April to mid-May

It’s a dog’s life? Every dog has its day? Lucky dog? This year it just might be – a barking good year to wag your tail in the mud. No need to be meaner than a junkyard dog: take your natural growling pessimism and put it in an old kennel – the arts, culture and education are in your stars and Wood Dogs (1934, 1994), remember that guns can help you communicate your point of view.

Health: Hygiene is indicated for our canine friends, you know how to lick that! There is a possibility of something contagious – so careful you don’t end up as sick as the proverbial dog. Water Dogs in particular need to make sure insurance premiums are up to date and this year’s wooden Earth Goat shouldn’t bother you much.

Wealth: No need to go sniffing around in ditches for opportunities, as this year should see a steady increase in wealth. Indeed, you should end up like the top dog with a brand new bone. Earth Dogs are known for making opportunities out of rejection – after all, if it’s good for Jack Ma, it’s good for you.

Love: A year of rich experience, you’ll be like something or other in heat and they’ll be pawing all over you, no lone wolf for you this year. September and December are indicated. Empathy and judgement are the natural companions of the Fire Dog, but don’t set up a webcam if your brain tells you to do it at 2am.

Career: A breakthrough year – you’re off the leash and running with the hounds. February, June, August and January next year should see you howling at the moon like the joyous dog you are. Metal Dogs may find some unexpected property bonus this year. Doggedly keep those plans going and you should be out of the doghouse and into a swish new flat.

THE PIG

Good fortune: Early January to early February 2016

It’s a fat year for the pigs. We know your skills in bringing people together for compromise – however, letting the boss’ child name your dog is not a good idea if you ever want to take it out in public. But this is a good year for you, so no porkies, just barrel on through. This is also a good year for Fire Pigs to spend time with friends, it will of course be sensible to get some before the year begins.

Health: Liver and kidneys are sensitive this year, and traffic accidents in April are a possibility. Clearly the thing to do is to have those organs removed and put back in next year; that way any accident that befalls you will not cause them grief. Water Pigs are likely to have a busy year and attention to diet and exercise are a must.

Wealth: Not so settled this year, nonetheless opportunities abound. To those who claim that you can’t flog a dead horse, we say nonsense, take whatever you can get for it. Snorting through your charts, the months of February, July, September and the year’s end are looking especially good for bringing home that extra bit of bacon.

Love: When we say the stars are not ideal for love this year, we don’t mean loveless, merely that affection may not play a part. A specific warning has been issued from the “department of no mistakes” about young people eloping and that steady reserve must be maintained; we think aluminium should be more than sufficient.

Career: Any extra effort you make this year will pay off handsomely, especially if your career involves plastic surgery – and no, not being able to smile is no disadvantage and massive bandages with some colour will get you your own corner office. The door not opening from your side is nothing to be upset about.

THE RAT

Good fortune: Early December to early January

Career and wealth are in the stars this year – you’ve just got to corner them. You’re a popular person and could well spend this year getting that popularity out of the chat room and back into the real world. Fire Rats often respond to the encouragement of others, this is the year to first reflect on what you’re being asked to do and then make small dolls of people who are asking you to do it.

Health: Without due diligence you’ll end up in hospital – so this might be the time to buy stock in your favourite ward. This year you’re round about the right place to have those cute whiskers trimmed. Metal Rats who like the finer things in life should try to get legal medication as it’ll lessen legal mediation.

Wealth: Laugh, my friends, and without blame, lightly quit what lightly came – especially if it is someone else’s. Nonetheless, for you Rat, it’s looking like a potentially profitable year, though do watch for cross-currents, rats and sinking ships and all of that. You’d want to be out of there pretty quickly. How quickly? As fast as a rat up a drainpipe!

Love: Be careful what you wish for Rat. The charts are suggesting that the months of May, July, September and next January may bring just the sort of soft cheese you might easily drown in. The best technique to follow this year will be to place yourself in the path of people trying to leave – if you’re lucky, they may be taken to the same hospital.

Career: Remember, the rat race didn’t choose you, you chose… who says you can’t spend charm and get ahead? Water Rats could rely on their skills in coming up with ideas – those related to removing your boss need to be creative and untraceable. The stars are out this year – some say yes, some say maybe.

THE OX

Good fortune: Mid-February to mid-March

We know the Ox likes to be settled and have a patch to wander and think, this might be a good year to catch the ferry to Mui Wo and go walkabout. It is certainly a year to let go, ignore the imaginary constraints and go with the flow, but not off the back of that ferry. Known for sincerity and integrity, Earth Oxen may keep any good fortune to themselves for fear of being the leather that other people wear.

Health: As strong as an ox is the goal, but the charts are suggesting that you will need time for rumination, so give that cud some more consideration. Given enough sleep, those big doe-eyes will sparkle. Fire Oxen who are fond of climbing high are strongly advised to take the elevator this year, no matter how good they think it’ll look on Youtube.

Wealth: You are the cash-cow, which means the authorities may want to see some acceptable receipts. While money could flow out this year, you’ll just need to dredge that channel back to your yard and you’ll be eating the best lucerne all year. Wood Oxen need to watch the budget, but only if this entails their own money.

Love: Love is in the air, and you’ll be mooing in delight, no need to be a cow about it though. It’s looking to be an especially good year for Water Oxen to finally accept some of those invitations they’ve been swatting away in recent years. Given your celebrated capacity to deal with pressure, this means you don’t mind being underneath.

Career: You might feel corralled in the stockade, about to be sold to the highest bidder with no say in matters. Remember this year you’re in conflict with the Tai Sui star; that cow-track will take you along precipitous cliffs at work, disagreement and conflict may ensue. Metal Oxen, those strong-willed types, might be best avoiding the water-cooler.

THE TIGER

Good fortune: Mid-October to mid-November

Did he who made the lamb make thee? Your natural stubborn and obstinate nature is not going to prevent you from having a great year. It might be the goat year, but the Goat is tethered and the farmer is watching TV. Water Tigers are good with experimenting, but regardless of your chemical skills, Breaking Bad is not the model here.

Health: As tempting as that tethered goat is, stay away from gluttony this year (there are another 11 in the cycle so don’t pace up and down about this). Possibly not as independent as other tigers, the Wood Tigers might find this the right year to fall for that medical professional. If their specialty is traditional Chinese medicine, do mind your bones.

Wealth: You are the golden tiger – scams may come your way, so do claw them back, but at least half the year has you marked for success. Even Earth Tigers should not be disadvantaged by their sense of fair play – and how often does that happen? Since Tigers are about as welcome as an ex-lover at a traditional Chinese wedding, befriend traditional types.

Love: Ask for it, it’s yours. And if it isn’t, it’s yours for the taking. Fire Tigers bring their unquestioned enthusiasm to the place of love this year – but go back to their place, remember that your lair only has photos of you on the walls and on a first date this’ll only impress those who really want to be the victim of a serial killer, which you aren’t.

Career: This year you’ll need to avoid litigation and disputes, but otherwise no need to be a kitten about anything. Your leadership in leaving things to the last minute is renowned and Metal Tigers are going to be rewarded with an understanding that doors can open if you shout or growl at them loudly enough.

THE RABBIT

Good fortune: Mid-July to mid-August

This is a good year to begin sleeping under your desk – your hutch is trashed, and your bank balance runs the danger of refecting various hare-brained schemes. Work is the place to be, especially for Metal Rabbits who aren’t entirely sure why they have a small circle of friends. Your natural aversion to body hygiene means no-one will realise that you’re homeless for months.

Health: This year is not ideal – avoid nightclubs and other places where they take your temperature. While technically it is true that a reading of zero means you’re not in the danger zone – the danger zone is the best alternative. For some reason water is dangerous this year, so, keep those bunny paws dry and, er, water sports should best be avoided.

Wealth: While you can expect the grass to be pretty green on your side of the hutch, beware of schemes that may adulterate it. Water Rabbits who are creative should learn that words like “melamine”, “heparin mimic” and “gutter oil” are just fine in poetry, but keep them out of the wealth diet, and a good year beckons!

Love Wood Rabbits are very adaptable; and that’s good because this is the year of being by yourself. Not for want of trying of course… there may be some misunderstanding when, on a first date you offer that you like being a Rabbit because cuniculus is Latin for rabbit. The police won’t be called, but the object of your affection may not call back.

Career: The low-key, diplomatic approach taken by Fire Rabbits will serve them well at work this year. All Rabbits can look forward to bunny stamps and should practice pulling themselves out of a hat – if you repeat the phrase “Cottontail is the new manager” often enough, it will eventually sound perfectly natural, and that promotion may be yours.

THE DRAGON

Good fortune: Early December to early January 2016

As you were born under a lucky star, it’s easy to be lazy. Still, it’s a year for scaling the heights. We’re not sure what to do about Earth Dragons this year – your reflective and more considerate nature is usually a plus, but not so when you discover you don’t have enough money to take a cab, and have to wait for a bus.

Health: Those of you with inquisitive natures can fulfil your need to find out things by visiting your doctor a lot. Not ideal for health this year, you might look as though you’ve been chasing the dragon too long – we advise you avoid foods that are wind/cold this year. Have this printed on a large placard, as it’ll save time when you’re ordering in restaurants.

Wealth: Just how much can a Dragon hoard in those caves? This year you’ll be testing historical levels and weighing, not counting your cash. The usual caveats apply; be on the watch for those goodhearted souls who want to make your life more simple by removing your hard-earned cash. Fire Dragons will have a fine year.

Love: We love that you go about things with a positive and determined mindset – this will help you ride out all the rejections you’re about to have this year. The possibility for success rides best with the Water Dragons who have more patience than their kin and, rather oddly, a sense of irony.

Career: This is the year to grasp the handle of the opportunities on offer – that’ll be difficult as you have no hands and every time you breathe out you scorch the earth. No matter, charred or not, this is your time to rise through the ranks. Metal Dragons who try to be honest in their dealings with others may find the attempt rewarding.

THE SNAKE

Good fortune: Mid-November to mid-December

All is not lost; the unconquerable will, and courage never to submit or yield. Wise man say future speak with forked tongue – this year could go the way your will and determination see it so. Fire Snakes may be solitary creatures, but this is not the year to practice the rope trick all alone. Seek help, professional if need be.

Health: It’s true that you’re not a snake-oil salesman, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be charmed by one. Snakes are to be on guard this year against illnesses that can enter through the mouth – we recommend a scuba snorkel with a hefty carbon filter. Remember, an apple a day… no, you probably don’t want to remember that at all.

Wealth: The stars are mixed, slithering along to a gambling den of any sort is going to have you wishing you’d coiled up at home. This is a good year for the Metal Snake to come to the fore with regulated and wise investment. Clearly Macau-bound ferries are to be avoided – and no, taking the helicopter isn’t going to keep you out of the hotpot.

Love: Being the affable Snake that you are, it’s going to be a year of shedding your skin and waiting for the new one to fully form. Those who like their fortune sudden may yet find redemption here. Earth Snakes with their quiet, patient manner may find themselves sharing a homely snake pit with a desirable viper.

Career: Success is yours, but do stay a little aloof; Water Snakes can parley their love of learning into a superior understanding of their work, and your seniors will offer fangs for your trouble. On the snakes-and-ladders career board it should be ladders all the way. But if you’re in finance, that raise may be in status only and not reflected in your bonus.

THE HORSE

Good fortune: Mid-September to mid-October

To prevent misunderstandings you’d best be transparent with family members – this does not mean telling them what you’d like to do to them, but do let them know how you’re travelling. Fire Horses are attracted to exciting places; this year is for concentrating on work, so plan on getting the last train home each evening and tell your family what time it arrives.

Health: Stars of pestilence could be your Trojan horse this year – stay away from Greek salads, one slip on the racetrack and you’ll be off to the knackery. For some reason Metal Horses like solving nagging problems, the more you are careful of your health, the more it’ll stand you in good steed.

Wealth: Investment is good, in fact it’s advisable, as your oats don’t grow on trees. Be particularly careful of those horsing around with the truth. Business acumen of Fire Horses should see you prancing in clover, but best not put that cart before you. With a degree of caution, your colt could still bolt, leaving you the vaulting horse.

Love: You’re trotting alone this year. We know you like dressing well Water Horses, and that your concentration wanders – this is perfect for your love stars as nothing is going to happen. Go on as many dates as you please, but take a good book and remember to say goodbye at the end of the night.

Career: A little bit of attention will stabilise your rise. Be on guard against petty people – this might mean jockeys of one sort or another. There’s nothing wrong with changing horses mid-stream, especially if the one you’re on can’t swim. Conscientious Wood Horses are going to be rolling in the hay.

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